Living in the Moment

I find myself driving my car each day. As we all know, driving a car in traffice requires decisions. Each decision is critical to getting to your destination safely. Any driving course teaches you what to watch for, the potholes other drivers.

Life is the same way as we all know. You are the driver of your car. Nobody else is driving that car. That car is your thought process each day, each moment. I just turned up the sound on this song called Pieces of Eight. It was a moment. I put on the blinders of my life and made that decision.

I made a decision to stop by this starbucks, get a snack, some decaf coffee. Decisions because I was hungry, didn't need more caffeine and I wanted to write on this rainy Saturday. Writing fulfills me. It is emptying my mind but yet fulfills me. I made those decisions to bring me here, writing to you and myself as I sit outside.

I know this moment, those decisions, I will remember later this feeling I have right now. I'm abosrbing that feeling, that moment. I can remember many of these moments in my life.

It was 1984, June summer night in Bellevue, Nebraska. I had befriended a guy named Yancy who was several years younger than me. We loved playing basketball and chasing girls. I cannot remember how we met. That escapes me. However this night never leaves my mind. The song by Bryan Adams "Summer of 69" was popular then.

I had a portable tape player/ boom box. I had that tape which had that song on it along with a lot of his hits on it. I remember having that boom box, that tape with me and Yancy and I playing basketball. The two of us. One on games. Horse. Well into the wee hours of the night. I think I went home around 2:30 or 3 AM. We talked. We laughed. A couple of the cute neighbor girls came around for awhile. I had the hugest crush on Lori. Petite brunette, smart, funny cute. I remember telling them, that this night was like Bryan Adams song "Summer of 69". I knew it was a special night.



We all have special nights. Our wedding day, a birth of a child, new job, huge milestones. I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about moments like the night in June, 1984, like today when I'm writing this. Those are special moments. Buddhism teaches us to observe moments or what is called Right Mindfulness. LIft yourself out of that inner dialogue and observe your behaviors, your actions, your thoughts. I did that way back in 1984. I could fill this blog post of these types of days. None were life changing but they were special moments in time for me. I recognized the energy that was created to observe it from above, to know it was special and memorable.

Too often, we don't observe those moments in our lives. I wish, as a child, I knew this method of living. There were tons of special moments now that I look back on them, rarely did I know that at the time. I know that is due to the maturity level of a child and I accept that. Furthermore, I'm not sure we can teach our children how to live in the moment.

I try to live in the moment, say grateful things like "I'm having a great vision day". I say that a lot, not just when I see a pretty lady, but when I'm driving and the world is sharp and in focus.

Too often, while we are in the moment, the world is not sharp and in focus. That inner dialogue skews the focus and shifts the focus on external things that are not relevant. What is relevant is that time and space you are in. Think of it as a box.



Embrace that box, the four walls of that moment in a box. I am fully cognizant of everything that is going around me at this time. I can tell you who is sitting next to me right now. But, when I will look back on this, and I will, I will remember the amazing emotional feeling of writing this blog. It is very powerful. It is teaching me what gives me energy and to understand how I can keep doing that.

Be mindful of the moment, embrace it, make a mental or even physical note of it. I know I do and will, as I wrote this blog about it.


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Choices

It was 30 years ago almost to the day that I graduated from high school. I knew how critical that moment was. I was telling friends of mine that I loved them after we got our diplomas. I'm not sure why, but I just knew that I should tell them that. I can succinctly remember the area outside the "new gym", as we called it, all of us graduates (54 in my class) huddled around. Each dressed in our caps and gowns. Family members there wishing us luck. Lots of congratulations. I just knew then that I may not see those people for years. That turned out to be very true.

Did I know that I would make a choice of the hard route to college and a successful career in the Information Technology (IT) industry? I don't think so. I was so confused. I had a tug of war with trying to be close to my mom and yet not wanting to leave the nest that my dad and step mom built for us. I had that choice.

My 18 year old self did know the significance of the occasion. However, I had lots of older brothers and sisters (1 older sister, 3 older brothers, 1 step sister, 2 step brothers - yes we lived in 1 house at the time). Seeing them graduate and move I think prepared me for that moment in time. To this day, "pomp and circumstance" puts a lump in my throat as I harken back to that day.

I ponder all this as what would 48 year old Kelly say to 18 year Kelly at the graduation 30 years ago.

I made choices in life and I learned to accept the twists and turns to lead me to where I was in life. Including, making a choice to put in an application at the bank in Omaha for them to train me for programming. I remember the interviews and such. I don't remember asking anyone for advice however. I did it and 14 months of night school later, while keeping my job in very good standing, I had a real career. It wasn't a job, but a career. That day, December 5, 1988, changed my life. It was choice to pursue something better than a clerical career.

The choices I made to get me to that point? Two weeks before I was off to Iowa State to finish college, I fell in love. She was my first girlfriend. I was 19. I got to Iowa State, got put in temp housing. Could think of nothing but her. Day dreamed myself through classes and finally wrote her. Told her to come get me and I dropped out. Still a blur about how that worked but I did what I did. I had no job to go to. I had no car. I moved in with her. Worked two jobs with no car. Yes, I walked to work (5 miles). That choice moved me back to the bank (got my old desk job) and thus the career I have now. Our choices define us and lead us on paths where we may not know the destination.

That career and that bank led me to my marriage, which I have zero regrets with. That divorce choice led me to Houston where to be quite honest, I've never been happier. Did I know moving to Houston, I would be an executive producer of a film, actor, writer and have a very successful IT career? You can bet that I didn't know that.

You see, to tell 18 year old self about choices means you have to accept the choices. There are no wrong choices. Each is a twist and turn along the way to something that you can become. Years ago, working in Omaha, I got the pleasure to see Dr. Tom Osborne speak. He is the legendary college football coach of the University of Nebraska. He had won championships by then, much to my surprise. He talked about them in this way.

It's not about the destination, but about the journey.

As an executive producer of a short film, I now understand what Dr. Tom Osborne was talking about. It is a wonderful journey making films. I made that choice and that choice changed my life.

I could cite many choices in my life. My life coach, who taught me how to take care of myself and what that looks and feels like. My dad who taught me the valuable work ethic. He said, "no matter how good you think you are, there's always somebody better than you." My mom, taught me how to love unconditionally, without judgement or fault. I made choices to listen and to observe myself along this journey, not knowing the destination.

Those choices I made, Iowa State, being in love, programming school, divorce, I've learned from them all. They've all led me to this higher presence I have of my world. I am supposed to be right here, right now at this very moment writing about choices. My choices led me to this moment in time.

I would say this to my 18 year old self:

Research the choices and do your homework. However, don't worry too much as those choices, because if you believe in the journey, the choices will take care of themselves.

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Emotional Slut

Don't be an emotional slut in a relationship, intimate relationship or not. What is an emotional slut? That is a person who reveals too much of themselves to early. It's akin to being a whore about your emotional past or present.

Treat those things as sacred, whatever they are. All your experiences are sacred to yourself and should be cared for like that. This is called taking care of yourself. We all need to take care of ourselves. See my blog about this. In essence, this is a part of that.

Those experiences, good or bad are sacred parts of who you are and how you became the person you are today. They are not meant to be given away. I have deep dark secrets that I keep away as sacred. However, I even keep some of the good times that I have had away for safekeeping. I am learning how to keep these sacred and close to the vest. This is not to say you should keep everything but you should take an inventory of what is really sacred and those that can be revealed say on a first date or with your co-workers.

For instance, I use some of my personal life to connect to my co-workers, discussing things like the house or my film or other things. It's a way to connect with them. It is sacred to me as those are my means of living and such. But they are not the things I experienced as a child or in a marriage. It is all sacred as you are a sacred human being.

Try not to be slutty and reveal all to someone just to get them close to you. It doesn't work. Trust me, I've tried and it backfired. Many times. I have been an emotional slut and am learning to value the sacredness of my experiences, treating them as such.

Keep your emotional clothes on and treat it as a sacred offering when you give it away.


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Truths

The Founding Fathers of this great country held some truths to be self-evident.



I believe, we as human beings honestly don't know what our truths are. To each of us they are not self-evident. As I said in an earlier blog we need to own our experience. This includes those truths of who we are. We all have varying levels of truths.

For instance, what our career is, who we work for, what we stand for and even superficial stuff like who our favorite sports teams are. But those are not the truths I am talking about. I am talking about a deeper level set of truths.

Truths are like a concentric circle. Each layer reveals more and more about your truths. Similar in fashion to this one.





All truths you have like your childhood, your marriages, your kids and others are not meant for all. To start with, own those truths. They are yours. Much like the family circus kid who meanders on his way home from school, our life path is our truth.



Copyright @FamilyCircus, all rights reserved.

All those things that happened to us are our truths. They represent various layers of truths to be revealed to people in that concentric circle.

Remember, each layer of truth is not meant for everybody. Owning those and protecting those is called establishing boundaries to your truths. It is a vault and can be opened for the right person, but ensure they know the passcode and will protect those truths right alongside you. This is especially prevalent in the social media age.





We all want to connect to our fellow human being. Well at least I want to. That is one of my truths. Social media allows us that alleged privacy to reveal truths to someone, when in reality that truth, is stored on some disk server, somewhere in the world, so it's really not private.

I am not suggesting being a hermit. As early 20th century Supreme Court Justice Louis Brandies said "Sunlight is the greatest disinfectant."

Justice Louis Brandeis


Opening up those truths, especially the scary ones (re: skeletons), gives them less power and you realize you are not alone in those truths about yourself. I know I think some of the shit that has happened to me is unique to me. However, as I give that passcode to that vault, I realize that I'm not alone in those truths.

As I said, we all have truths. Be cognizant of them, own them unto yourself. Once you own them, protect them and keep that passcode locked away. Be cautious with that passcode, as not everyone needs to know every truth of yours.

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Accountability

Each day wake up and remind yourself that you and only you are accountable for yourself. At work we use the acronym RACI to figure out where accountability lies within our work.

Responsible
Accountable
Consulted
Informed


Each piece of work is is broken down into these areas. We can use this in our lives as well. Ultimately, we are responsible and accountable for our happiness. Yes, we consult others for ways to achieve this and inform others of our happiness. However, the R&A lies within ourselves.

I had an episode this morning where I chose that. I chose to be accountable to myself over allowing a negative thing overwhelm me. This was in my personal life and something that is an addiction I have. I chose to be accountable for that reaction to that stimuli. Instead of going "ugh" and allowing it to fester, I said "I am not going to let this take over me."

This is not an easy process and the work I've done has led me here to this point. It is not easy to overcome any addiction or circumstance. I just chose to overwhelm it instead of it overwhelming me. I woke up knowing I had that power.

We all hear that we should choose to be happy. Yes, it's a choice, but once you realize you accountable for that choice, it becomes easier. Nobody else is accountable for your happiness. Only you. Choose to be accountable for your life and your actions. Once you do that, you will live freely and in my mind, make better choices.



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Taking Care of Yourself

We all desire inner peace and balance in our lives. I recall my trip to California last year. It was April 11, 2012. Yes, I remember the date and time even (9:16 PST) I was staying with a friend of mine, sleeping on the couch. It was the closest I've ever felt centered with inner peace. The universe was aligned with me at that very point. It wasn't a physical state of being but a mental one.

All that starts with taking care of yourself. We all externalize to varying extents. Facebook, social media outlets, water cooler talks and so on. I do this a lot. My voice is external to others. Even this blog post is that.

However, to achieve that inner peace and centering, one should try to take care of themselves. This is not just working out, eating right, but inner talks, writing, journaling, however, you can show you that you love yourself.

Disclaimer: I am not a parent in the purest sense. I have four legged kids. However, I see single parents and couples, having their entire existence predicated upon their kids. It is their identity. This is why we all know about empty nest syndrome. The kids are gone and they don't know how to take care of themselves. In shuttling kids to practice, school, vacations, chores and the like they lost sight of who they really were.

Conversely, I see people that are relationship addicts. One mate to another and on to another. Each attempt at a relationship is externalizing their love for the mate. In doing so, their interest in their mate helps them hide the flaws they so desperately want to avoid. Once the breakup happens, they miss all that. Cry for help. Surrounding themselves with 'YES' people to hide the hurt of the loved one. When in fact, they could take care of themselves and become whole. Once a person is whole, that need for a mate no longer is desired like an addiction but as a nice to have. It is an amazing place to be with out that want and/or need. I am working at that myself.

This is where I am. I cannot sit here and pontificate I know the answers for everyone. I am working on taking care of myself. I have true friends that remind me of that, when I stray. When I externalize my thoughts and feelings. Surround yourself with people who are willing to help you along in this journey.

Remember this, the flaws of another you see are just flaws you see in yourself. If you take care of yourself and identify your own flaws, working on them (re: taking care of yourself), you not only become more whole, you attract the people you desire to live your life with.

I can tell you without a doubt that my habits, my thoughts, my intentions have not been where they should be. And because of that, I've not been the most positive person.

However, I am learning to take care of myself each and every day. Some days are easier and some are harder. I'll leave you with my mantra that my life coach and I wrote for myself. Maybe this will help you connect with yourself and ultimately create the person you want to be.

Connect with yourself.
Connect with your environment.
Connect with people through meaningful relationships.
Connect with your work.


The universe leaves breadcrumbs for you to follow. It's up to you to pick them up and follow them.



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Love is a Gift Cherish It

My friend RR gave me a poignant reminder today of something I lost over 12 years ago. My dad.

You never get over losing your hero. EVER. The pain lessens but you never get over it.

He died due to complications from a stroke in the stem of his brain which left him in a vegetable state. You never get over that conversation with the doctors about deciding his fate. I never have. Nothing in life, school, physicians, or the like can ever help you with that fork in the road. Ugh. Nothing like holding his hand and there's nothing. My last conversation with him was about online banking. Ugh.

It is Oscar night. I've always rehearsed my Oscar speech. I know I will be bawling, having trouble keeping back the tears that my dad cannot be there to see that. He would be as proud of me if I was the manager of the month at Burger King. It would be simple. Sorry agents, publicists, but without my dad, I wouldn't be here. Tears would flow. Just thinking about it now and I well up with tears.

You never get over having played god with your hero. He was way better off given his vegetable state, but to this day, I've never cried like that. My nephew Phalen just sat with me and let me cry. You never forget that silence that is the biggest love you can feel at your worst.

Love from your friends, relatives is a gift. You are NOT entitled to that love. Cherish it and remind them that they are loved.

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